De-escalation 101 for the Workplace

De-escalation is a Daily Necessity

De-escalation has been on the rise significantly in workplaces in the last few years. When you hear the word de-escalation, I imagine many of you picture images of irate screaming customers or maybe even workplace violence. While that can certainly be the case in many instances, I would like to present another perspective.

Upon looking up the definition of escalation, I found the following:

1. A rapid increase; a rise.

2. An increase in the intensity or seriousness of something; an intensification.

So in a way, we could say that interest in de-escalation has been escalating lately. However, I mention this because it highlights an important point. We are faced with the need to de-escalate conflict on almost a daily basis. Let me give you an example.

Basketball is one of my greatest passions, and although I will never make the NBA, I try to stay active in city leagues as often as I can. Even though most of the guys in my league are well past their prime, they remain every bit as competitive. So occasionally, tempers can get the best of people. Whether it be rage towards the refs for a missed call, or arguing with their teammates over a bad play, shouting matches are fairly common. Then, as can be expected with such a group, guys tend to fight fire with fire. This of course inflames the situation, and then the process of de-escalation begins.

Now in sports, there is typically much more tolerance for this kind of behavior, but what happens when it occurs in our relationships or our workplace? Often we find ourselves unequipped to handle these situations, Furthermore, while sometimes escalation is very explicit, other times it can be more subtle. Take for example my article on the Surprising Ways Workplace Conflict Escalates. This is what makes de-escalation a daily necessity. The problem is that most of us were never taught how to deal with such situations. We simply grew up observing what others around us did. Which for most is either to withdraw or stick our chest out and fight back. Neither leads to a productive outcome. We have not considered that there could be a better alternative to these kinds of responses because we have never seen it modeled.

My experience is that many people see de-escalation as a very esoteric skill set. Thus, the perceived learning curve prevents many people from truly making use of these techniques. While it’s true that the topic can be quite deep and nuanced, I would argue that everyone can learn and greatly benefit from some basic de-escalation tools and principles. Thus, I wanted to unpack a few tips that will help you get started on this journey. It will be helpful for us to start with some basic psychology so we can understand what is happening in the brain during conflict.

The Psychology of De-escalation

So 2 key concepts are helpful to understand when resolving and/or de-escalating conflict. The first is known as the Amygdala Hijack. You can see a diagram from Simply Psychology that illustrates this concept below:

The Amygdala is the part of the brain that controls our “fight or flight” response. We could think of it like a radar system that detects possible threats and then assigns an appropriate reaction. So if you are walking alone at night and get the impression that someone is following you, your Amygdala would trigger emotions that may cause your heart rate to rise, or dilated pupils to improve your vision. It’s preparing you to run or fight this threat.

The problem is that when your brain detects a possible threat, sometimes the Amygdala takes over and bypasses your Cortex, the part of your brain that controls rational thought. Thus, you get a knee-jerk reaction; the Amygdala Hijack. However, after some time has passed this reaction usually dies down and we regain rational thinking. That is why we tend to think more rationally after an emotional situation has occurred.

This is important to understand because if we try to resolve a conflict with someone who is in a very escalated state, we will likely make the situation worse. When they are experiencing an Amygdala hijack, they are impaired in their ability to process the situation rationally. That is why it is good practice to simply listen and not respond when someone has reached a high emotional peak. Typically, if you wait around 60-90 seconds, the individual will calm down and then you can respond. This also means that emotional regulation is critical for anyone looking to effectively de-escalate a situation. We must be able to temper our responses in the moment and prevent ourselves from experiencing Amygdala Hijack. One great way to help your team in this area is my Conflict Reboot Program. It focuses specifically on identifying one’s unique responses during conflict and then training them to reconceptualize the ones that would be unproductive. This will equip them to avoid the Amygdala Hijack and choose their best response in these kinds of scenarios.

The second important principle to understand is the basic motivations of human beings. What kinds of things will cause a person to become escalated? I think this video from Pollack Peacebuilding Systems outlines it quite well.

The 3 main sources of emotional escalation are:

1. Someone feels unsafe

2. Someone feels disrespected

3. Someone feels like you don’t care

This is helpful to know because it can help us identify the cause of the escalation, allowing us to more appropriately respond to it. Do I need to change my body language or tone of voice to make the person feel safe? Do I need to apologize so they feel respected? Do I need to listen better so they see I care? Furthermore, it will give us clues on what questions to ask, or topics we need to focus on during the conversation.

Now that we understand those 2 principles, let’s get hyper-practical and unpack some simple tools and tips for improving our ability to de-escalate.

Tools to De-escalate

1. Approach as a 3rd Party – Often people get escalated because they are trying to achieve some sort of goal like getting their money back, saving time or their reputation, protecting the safety of themselves and others, etc. The problem is that we are often unaware of this. Then when we try to respond to the person, we unknowingly present ourselves as an obstacle to their goal. That is when things tend to get messy. Instead, we want to try and approach the escalated individual as a 3rd party who has no investment in the outcome of the situation. We are not trying to prevent them from achieving their goal, we are simply trying to help them reach it in a more healthy and safe way.

2. Give them Options – In connection with the previous point, people need to feel a sense of control in the situation. The best way we can do this for them is by giving them options. Don’t simply tell the person no, but offer them some alternatives to using aggressive or overly emotional behavior. The more options you can give, the easier it will be for the person to de-escalate and choose something better.

3. Ask Questions and Paraphrase – Another powerful de-escalation tool is asking good questions, and repeating back the answers you hear. This will work especially well with people who feel disrespected or that you don’t care. When people feel like they don’t have your respect or attention, they will often become loud and angry in an attempt to make you hear them. Asking thoughtful questions and paraphrasing your understanding will demonstrate that you are invested in the conversation and their concerns.

4. Avoid Inflammation – When I say inflammation, I am talking specifically about our body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Perhaps you have heard that over 70% of communication is non-verbal. This means that what you say is not as important as HOW you say it. When someone is in an escalated state, they will be hyper-sensitive to things like finger-pointing, sarcasm, aloofness, a raised eyebrow, etc. Make sure you are aware of how you are coming across in the situation and look for clues that the other person is becoming uncomfortable or angry.

That Escalated Quickly

One of my favorite comedies is Anchor Man. If you have seen the movie, then you are probably aware of the famous scene which has become a viral meme over the years. I’m talking about this one:

Perhaps this has become so popular because it is so relatable. We have all been in those situations that appeared business as usual, then took one wrong turn and spiraled out of control. That is why training ourselves to identify and respond quickly to conflict and emotional outbursts can be so valuable for leaders and organizations.

There is so much content to mine on this topic, however, the tools and principles we covered today will give you a solid foundation to start seeing better results in your personal and professional life. If you are interested in continuing to grow as a leader or equipping your team to work more effectively together, I would love to have a conversation about the different solutions I offer.

Go ahead and book a free Discovery Call to get the process started. I look forward to helping you achieve new levels of success!